Hopeless Romantic?

Damn, i think pale blue shirt guy denied me (on facebook). So much for that one? I guess. Maybe its just a fault on facebook's behalf, that it no longer says 'awaiting approval.' But whatever, it is what is it...

Love...what a tricky tricky little game. You only get it right or figure it out sometimes. As for me, i do and i don't wear my heart on my sleeve, lets just say, its on the inside of my sleeve. Once I'm injured, I'm out for the rest of the season. And whatever or whoever proceeds that, has a hard time crumbling this cookie. You pretty much have to do and say everything at the perfect time. And how can you control that when I'm on an emotional roller coaster? You can't. I raise my glass to all those sweethearts that try their hardest to win it over and try to put the pieces back together at the same time.

The problem is not them, it is me. And that sounds Cliche, 'its not you its me' type of thing, but there is truth to that saying. Boy can i put some good fish back in the water. But, what am i do to if i am not 100% there, lie to them? When i am not there completely, it can always turn into a make or break situation. Do one thing wrong and you're 'cut.' I get totally turned off. Another thing, how do i move someone who is essentially in 'friend zone' into 'potential boyfriend' zone? Easier said than done? Easy maybe for everyone BUT me. (Sad that most of my BESTfriends are guys who once tried to 'holla' at me but i denied). One more thing, why do i (usually) lose interest AFTER i have sex with someone? UGH. Why me?

My heart is like a war zone. Always battling and fighting for something, losing and finding new territory, and trying to make a peace treaty one way or another. I am constantly on a journey for love, and for happiness. When a lot of times, those guys are right under my nose. But i cant settle for anyone that isn't 'the one.' A lot of girls would LOVE most of the guys i talked to, but why can't I?

There's this really really genuinely sweet guy I know, hes like my companion. I know he's trying to pursue me, so why aren't I jumping at this opportunity? I mean, don't i always complain about the 'assholes'? So why can't i say yes, why do i always have so say 'well i don't think I'm ready right now blah blah blah.' He's cute, yes. He's sweet, yes. Protects, yes. Supports, yes. And more. So what's the problem here? I couldn't really tell you, there isn't any, besides my inner issues.

Yet, something is ALWAYS always holding me back. I long for being in love, falling love, being with someone who i adore and who adores me just the same. Break my back for them, spend my last penny for them, just for them. And knowing they would do the same. And say, "Forever and ever babe." I long for those butterflies in my stomach, chills down my spine, weak in the knees, tantalizing kisses, and gazes into the eyes kinda love. The problem is, i THOUGHT i had that or i THOUGHT i found that. But apparently it was the wrong person. I guess? How do i compare those lost feelings of love and hope to the next guy with the next guy prevail? I don't know. Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Doubt it.

*SIGH. So torn, torn between everything and anything. So confused, and uncertain. Which path to take, and debating do i wait? I suppose I'll just wait everything out, if something is meant to be it will be. I'll go through the summer see what happens, and come back to school and see what happens. But until then, I'll listen to my heart, and my heart tells me not to rush anything right now, you haven't found anyone that makes you miss a beat, so just be patient, you can't look for love, love finds you.

Bor's Cut

I am glad to say i think the situation has finally been alleviated. A much needed discussion occurred last night, through text (i did not send the first text, just replied to his). I debated long and hard about how this situation can be confronted the proper way, i thought quite possibly: through text? over phone? facebook? in person? Well, the answer was through text, from his part. I did not need to use the 'speech' i constructed while i was smacked during 'earth week', but bits and pieces were implemented.

Overall, i am pleased with the situation. Pleased that some of my thoughts were finally brought to the table, and it wasn't a disastrous end. I mean, I should not have even put that much consideration into it like i did, but hey, I couldn't help it. I did not owe him SHIT, nothing, nada. Not once was i taken out respectably like i deserved to be. He lucked out from my sexual frustration, and my being a sucker for super-cute light skinned black dudes. I can clearly draw the line between sexual connections and emotional connection, thank god i don't mix the two too often and end up attached.

He only provided me with physical satisfaction, not the 'more' i was desperately hoping for from him. I thought we'd be a good match. No emotional strings, nothing consistent, which is what i needed over physical gratitude granted i am still sore from my last relationship. He slacked in showing me any signs of intentions for anything deeper. Sex a few times only goes but so far when i go to school 3 hours away. It was an epic fail on his part, he should have taken me out, or got me a gift, or at least made an effort to make communication everyday and maybe this could have gone further. I dont understand how he thought we could build a relationship off of this but...eh.

We had a good run, it kept my spring break juicy, it was a nice little fling. He exceeded my sexual expectations. And no, i am not sorry for 'hitting it and quitting it'. The only problem is ill be working with him over the summer, we'll see how that goes...